I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
