Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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