Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
