Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
