i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
