I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
