im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
