remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize