I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
