you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We are two peas in an std pod
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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