I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
