I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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