You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
