the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
