i would punch a child for taco bell
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
