I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
