I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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