Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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