he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
