Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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