Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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