At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Randomize
