saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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