ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
