38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
