i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
