If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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