No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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