happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize