here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
