thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
