i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize