of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
