I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
