im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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