exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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