Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize