Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
