I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
