I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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