Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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