The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
