I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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