Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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