I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
