I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
