Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
