Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
