never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
