id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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