that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
