a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
