So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
