If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
