Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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