Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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