I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
