I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize