I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
