1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
