I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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