Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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