If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
