I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
