the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
