What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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