Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
