I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
